My Firstborn

He turns 28 tomorrow.  My eyes water with love when I write that.  He has been such a gift.  Mathew means Gift of God.  I think it should mean Gift to Mother.  My husband has no real clue about how much Eldest has helped us – me – in the last 4ish years.  Husband has the habit of hiding his head in the sand, and I have had times where I have had to ask my son for help.  Sometimes physical, sometimes financial.  Always the debt paid back.

Eldest has turned into the most sensitive man, and has a good, strong partner in his LovelyLu.

Those early years I was hardest on him.  We make the most mistakes with our first-born, I think.  But we both overcame the hardships.

He is pretty special.


Finding Order

Order out of mild Chaos…

Moving is such chaos.  You think you have decluttered everything, and then you land in your new home and stuff doesn’t all fit like it did before.  And then you look at the object, and wonder why the heck you have it at all.

And toss it into the donation bag.

I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend.  Finally I had opportunity to begin the nesting, soothing the closet chaos and although there is so much left to do, I feel at ease with my new space.

Living in the light.

Weekend Away Thoughts

This coming weekend we are heading to a cottage with long-time Friends Donann & Steve.  We met decades ago when I was starting up a natural food club in Toronto…  Our sons grew up together, until young adult-hood & many moves caused them to grow apart.

They are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, and we have been trying to maintain a relationship together, so we planned this weekend getaway.

Donann is one of my ‘crazy-maker’ friends.  Over the years I have learned to set boundaries, which she recognizes and has resented at times. We are now in our 50s, and her husband has been living with MS for around 20 years.  Steve – a gorgeous British guy, is as charming on his scooter as he ever was. It is hard to see the disease progress.  Somehow I thought his wiry strength would blow MS away.

One of the reasons we bought a bungalow was so we could have Mother-in-law & Steve to visit.  The tall skinny house had narrow stairs and a 2nd floor bathroom. The one time MinL came to visit I was terrified that she would fall.  Many strong arms helped her up and down the stairs that weekend.

It feels good to have the ability to have our friends and family to visit again, who have mobility issues.

Back to the weekend…  I am torn between exhaustion and the need to continue to nest in my new home, and the yearning for a lake to swim in, a cottage to play cards in.  We need this weekend away.

Young James the Cat is reverting to his bad, bad behaviour.  This morning he wanted John to get up, and he peed on him in bed.  This is the 3rd time. Not a nice experience.

I have this atomizer spraying calming phermones  in the house since before the move, and I thought it was helping…  But James is spiteful.

We shall begin to feed the cats before bed, and make sure the food dish is full.  We had to stop leaving food out at all times when we had Louie living with us, since Louie was grossly overweight and would keep eating non-stop.

Louie has been gone since April, so we can change back to having food out.

But I think he needs a visit to the vet for some kitty drugs.

Anxiety and New Shoes

It grows wearisome to feel things deeply.  There is always another anxiety waiting in the wings to replace one resolved.  It’s the way I work, but honestly, I am weary of feeling things so acutely.  I did a Facebook personality quiz a couple of years ago, I forget what it was called.  It was a simple Buzzfeed quiz, and I find them eerily accurate.  Anyway, this one said that I lived my life constantly with Impending Doom Looming.

Outwardly I am a glass half-full person, but in the wee hours of the night it’s all about Impending Doom.  I think that’s why wine became a habit, it would dull anxiety, but in the middle of the night, Impending Doom is loud and clear.  Add in the hot flashes and rolling chills of menopause and it can be a long night sometimes.

When I don’t drink, I sleep beautifully.

Picking a day.  Starting over.  Probably Monday the 17th. Gives me a week to get into that mental place I need.

On Friday my cell phone was stolen off my desk.  Small company, someone walked in the back door when I stepped out for lunch and snatched it.  It was a work cell, quite a perk really, and I don’t think it will be replaced.

So comes the question : Will I replace it? If I do, it will be a simple phone with text.  I will not bother with the bells and whistles.  This addictive personality does not need internet or games on the phone again.

The house moves on slowly.  Finally last night we had a rainy evening, so we did a few things inside.  Husband put up a shelf, replaced a door knob on Youngest’s door, I washed the kitchen floor – finally.

My dreams last night were anxiety-laden.  We had moved into a massive house, with maze-like rooms and bathroom after bathroom of strange tubs and toilets.  One enormous pink toilet just spewed water when flushed…

Last night I did go purchase two pair of shoes.  Both incredibly comfortable.  I walk a lot, and when I was in Montreal in June I did destroy my poor feet walking in shoes with no cushy insoles. I have never had feet so sore, and I learned a lesson that weekend about footwear.

After that weekend I was left with lingering foot pain in my heels, which eventually went away in my left foot, but has taken longer to heal in my right.  I bought a pair of Sketchers GoWalk2 shoes and they are so nice and cushy for my heels.

Time to work now…

Meandering Garden Thoughts

Last night we went to the community garden near our old house.  I picked my first few small tomatoes : black plum, yellow pear…  The larger varieties are slower coming.  The plot had to fend for itself for two weeks and we had zero rain so it was quite straggly by the time we checked up on it.

Earlier this week we had rain, and the plants are looking much happier.

A creature [vole?  rabbit? skunk?] had eaten many of my beets, so I had to remove what was left last night.  Middle Son and I intend on pickling some beets this weekend, especially since I [think I] missed out on dill season.

Tried Ground Cherries from the shared community plot – and really like them.  I plan on growing some at my new house next year.  An interesting plant.

With our large front and side yards at the new house [which I will now refer to as the Cedar Cottage], I will plant gooseberries and currant shrubs, like we had at our country house.  They never took off in our tiny inner city garden.

The excitement of planning a new space.

Small Goals

Coming down from our 6 week wondrous move, Husband and I are both physically and emotionally exhausted.  A good exhaustion for sure, but one that leaves me still weary in the morning, when it is time to rise.

My small goal last night was to hang the bedroom and kitchen curtains. This was done, and then I watched a movie in the basement with Middle Son and rolled into bed.

Tonight my small goal is to clear the dining area of empty boxes and finally wash the floor.  Small tasks like washing or vacuuming helps me to bond with my new space.  But simple tasks are all I can muster this week.

On the weekend we are both free and I will not book anything.  We might go for walks in the neighbourhood if the weather is good, we might visit the community garden.  But nothing else. Regaining energy takes time and I feel so slow this week.

Free from a Madman

After the last stressful few days, the house finally closed and we are free of it.  Free from the Madman who lived next door.

Stress eases away from my centre.  I am left with this deep exhaustion mixed with a lightness I have not felt in years.

And I want to sleep.  And I want to tidy and unpack.  And I ease into the new sounds and smells of this new area.

The mosquitoes are intense.

Last night I forced husband to sit on the swing with me.  The old owners left it, and although it is a little bit tired, it is in a perfect corner under two large cedars.

We were at a nearby nursery on Saturday and I picked up some [leftover] perennials to plant in the dry wasteland of the front garden.   We planted them yesterday and then watched a storm approach over from the west.

Everything did get a great soaking.

Not always calm, it is certainly getting better.

One step forward, 2 steps back. Oh well.

And so the week crawls to an end…  Tonight the final walk through.  This moving endeavor has kept us on a roller coaster since day one, with this week of crazy just that extra dig we didn’t need.

And the Blue Moon! Tomorrow – the 2nd full moon of the month.  No doubt the neighbour will have an especially crazed night.  Not my problem.

The last move of stuff to the new house from the old did something to the front tire and now we have a dead truck in the new-house driveway.  One more visit to the house with keys and Husband will have to tighten the cold-handle on the shower.  Then we will make our goodbyes.

Our Tall Skinny House in the city.  So many hard, hard years.  I said to Husband the other day, that it was tragic that none of us feel sad leaving.  It’s not the fault of the house, though.  Just the evil that buffets the walls at a steady stream.

I feel as though the next 6 months I will be coming down slowly.  No more fear.  No more Adrenalin rushes when I hear his mumbles or see his face.  Not until I drop those keys will I feel free.

And sobriety went to hell in a hand basket this week.  There has been wine-drinking on the deck.

Time to try, try again.

Cleaning up the garden

We’ve been working non-stop to empty our Springer home over the last week.  We have completely emptied the house from attic to basement.

So yesterday we go to do some more work in the yard and garage and we discover that nearly anything not tied down has been stolen.  We did discover that our barbecue propane tanks had disappeared between Saturday and Sunday, but we thought it was a random thing.

But my small garden bench and pots, hand tools, recycle bins, random planters, a metal bucket, a cat candle and some rocks, all missing.  Stunned, I turned around and saw my property, neatly piled in the neighbours’ yard.  I could see through the slits in the fence.

I was in shock.  I knew they were evil.  I knew it.  But I always felt safe in the garden.

We called the police.  And I cleaned the house.  Shaking.  And then I called and cancelled the police.  Because I’m afraid of what he’d do to my house.  My clean, empty house.  It does not close until Friday.

I just turned my back. Because I need the house to be safe from a madman.

For a few more days.

I Will Not Miss You

I wish I could miss you.

I wish I could say it’s sad to leave the neighbourhood, but it’s not.

I wish I could say it’s been lovely living next to you all these years, but it has not.


What is lovely is to take my family and my happiness and my good will and positive attitude – far away.

What is lovely is to know that I will never hear your voice again in the night.  In the darkness.

What is lovely is that I will not feel your eyes follow me from the kitchen window, as you stand and curse.

What is lovely is that your misery and abuse have not permeated our happiness and whilst we leave to continue to live with light and joy – you will be left behind with your meanness, madness.

For you are mean.  And you own an ugliness that far reaches your face.

I am sad that you choose to live in fear of being liked, for why else would you work so hard to be disliked?

And this long, hard chapter will soon be finished.

And the book will close.